Doors, Doors, Doors.

Some call it barriers, I call it doors. Just an inquisitive thought, how many doors are there to your heart? Doors deeper ina a place of access, more private information, intimacy, love less restrained.

Revelations 3:20 - Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

Come to think about it, I don't have too many doors, well I have a few, but not too many compared to most. Some doors are very well guarded, but overall to enter further into the deeper inner most areas of my heart, there aren't too many doors.

I guess sometimes I don't have a healthy appreciation for people with more doors or even less doors. And to the extent, whats inside those doors, how much its being given. Some people have a lot of doors, in that they are cautious, they give little by little, slowly opening up the doors to people at their own pace or at their own comfort level. Some people have very few doors, that once you open up one of their door, it just opens up to a free range.

I think I've never been a careful giver. Always abit too crazy and generous. But at the same time, I've always been careful who I give them to. I suppose I have less doors, open it up and there is a huge access to a lot. But I've been taking risks recently, opening up my doors and expected the risk to pay off. Did it? I don't know.

Though unfortunately getting people to open up their doors is never the answer. And banging on their door asking to OPEN UP, is most likely going to be faced with more barricades and defences. Even if there's a 'pretty please with sugar on top' added to the phrase. :P

Anyway, just thinking about doors, I started thinking about the pre-requisites, the requirements and the reasons why I let some have the keys or rather I open the door to them. Mostly it's to do with trust, that you give the key to the door. Some do it for money, some do it blindly, some give it because their lonely and need someone to step in.

It makes me wonder why I opened up my door to this wonderful person, when I've been holding it out for so long. I think it's to do with trust, and a degree of risk. A belief that there is something meaningful.


---------------
My doors? Starting from inside.

The innermost place, as if in the temple, is the Holiest of Holiest. The place of all submission, and all intimacy. Where my body, my heart, my knowledge, my secrets, my understanding is all yours. It is meant for two people. One is my God, and another should be my wife. The place I give my all within my possible means.

Go a bit out past the first door from the most inside, would be a place where I withhold no secrets, there is love unrestrained, there is deep intimacy, a place of unreasonable trust. And There is courtship, a place of preparation. I reserve this place for my girlfriend and maybe future children.

The second door, would probably be for like people like my family and really best friends or mentors in my life that I know they can be trusted and love me and want totally the best for me that their willing to do what they think is best for me went I turn.

The third door, would lead to the inner court, where good friends and wonderful friends surround me.

Then to fourth or outer court, friends, and further out acquaintances.

Hmmm Hmmm... Sounds abit mad? But think about it.

---------------
Just thinking, although some aren't quite applicable, but somewhat is as well,

I like this phrase Pastor Bill Johnson puts it, That "If you are cautious, all your friends will call you wise, but you'll never move any mountain."

The child and his toy.

I am like a child. I think sometimes the things I do is still like a child.

Okay, maybe "toy" is not a good word. But rather object of most desire. I guess for a child it would be his "toy" or his mommy.

The child have this new toy, she is beautiful, she is wonderful, she is lovely. The child just wants to play with it, just wants to continue holding it, just wants to enjoy the toy.

Take the toy away from the child. Let him play with it 1-2 hours a day. How would the child act? The child would go crazy with the toy. He would love every moment, every second of the toy. Getting to know it intimately with every second he has but when its not there, he whines, he throw fits, he throws tantrums, he acts like a child desiring the toy.

Give a man his toy. He likes his object of desire, be it BMW, Mercedes, etc. He enjoys every moment of it, he tells his friends about it, he shares, he cares for it. Take it away for 1-2 hours a day. He cherishes and enjoy every moment of it while its there. But the times when he can't be with her, he revels in the fact that it's going to be there again tomorrow morning all shiney and polished ready.

I've been trying too hard to accelerate natural order of things. Trying to know her too much. But like a child, who gets excited about all things of the toy, he eventually gets bored of it, and moves on to the next thing. Until someone else picks up the toy and the child gains interest in it again. The man, his object of desire, he knows it, it becomes his passion. He takes it slow and does not grow bored of it, but takes even greater care of it until it becomes a classic. Becomes better with age.

I think I have been a child last night. Not a man. Don't Be a child John. :o(

Life's funny without money.

30 dollars in my bank. La La La Fu Fu Fa Fa Ha ha ha

*looks in wallet*

Oh. 25 dollars in wallet. *smile*. Ho Ho Ho. Safe!

Well don't worry about me. Going to get paid on Thursday. Then have to pay off $200.00 fine and Visa. ooooo-boy. :P

Getting gifts, presents, the lot.

Hehehe, I find it quite funny, that I'm pretty awful at getting gifts for people. Especially remembering birthdays. Now that Friendster birthday thingy is down, I've totally lost touch of when everyones birthdays. So if there's anyones birthday that passed by without me wishing. Sorreh.

I don't shop enough or spend enough time and mental power in shopping. I'm a horrible shopper. I guess i'm so guy. I go into the shopping malls just when I need to get something. If not, I don't go in at all. I don't know the brands, I don't know the shops, I don't even know materials. So if you tell me something like for example "Stellar" or "cotton-on" I can't differentiate to you whether its a bag shop, a clothes shop or even a restaurant. To me it's such a waste of time to window-shop. It might be something in me that if I want something I must have. I don't know if I'm an impulsive buyer am I? Or maybe more ill-informed buyer to be more accurate.

Sooo..... I think I should start making a conscious effort to start trying harder. I remember I went shopping with Je-Yon the other day, and he was telling me about the clothes I was looking at were girls clothes. And I was like.. "Issit?" hahahaha. Oh well. I'd just have to learn I suppose. :p

I think it's partly to do with my mom doing most of my clothes shopping. I was never interested in shopping for my clothes. I think up till until like i'm in uni my mom practically dressed me! Yeah. And even after that, I barely got myself much clothes only really went shopping when I was about to go to Melbourne because I don't have enough practical clothes for a slightly colder weather. But when I bought, it's still pretty generic, either white or black. If it's white shirt, black pants or jeans, if it's black shirt, not so black pants or jeans. Thats how it goes in my head more or less. Can't go too wrong there. But then again. Lacking creativity.

I wonder like they say that clothes represents your personality. I wonder if it just means i'm just downright boring kind of guy. I think I used to dress abit more colourful when my mom dressed me. Haha. But I prefer something more boring actually. I dunno. I guess I'm more a dress for function rather than form kind of person. Hehe.

Fashion :P never really been a part of me. Probably never will. But I'll try abit harder to do something about it. Thank God I'm a guy! Hahaha. Can get away with sloppy dressing.

Oh back to presents and gifts. Yeah. So it's somewhat correlated, that I don't know what to get people most of the time. Aih. Heheh. If it isn't clothes, it's accessories or something. I think the only thing I know good at getting people is computer games. Because I'm somewhat 'in' to whats good. Either than that, yeah... hard. Plus I don't know the brands, prices and stuff. Can always get cheated for paying for stuff more than their worth or when you can get the same thing from a cheaper stall next door. Heheh.

Must start window-shopping and get the aunty-shopping power!

This week of madness.

This week seems never-ending. And now that it's friday, finally feeling a big sigh of relief to be honest.

Monday - Course materials, selling it like mad. Hardly any time to sit down, just been running around selling that crap. Plus I slept 3 hours the night before. Then worked from 9am-5pm. After that Class from 5:30pm to 8:30pm and then meeting up with my Urban Life to start planning for stuff. Finally got home about 11:30pm ish

Tuesday - Work half day, and finally had an afternoon nap for a bit. Didn't talk too long I think. But it was pretty good.

Wednesday - Worked Full day 9-5pm, then got home and chit chat with Nicole till 4am

Thursday - Woke up at 6am, went to Victoria Market with the urban life guys for steam boat. Had class from 11:30am. But cut half-way about 1:00. Was too sleepy, needed some fresh air. Went home for a bit and got my stuff to go to Derek's apartment. Then at night had our steam-boat Urban Life! Yay. It was great. But I was kinda 'out' of it.

So now, going to sleep soon. Heheh. Thank God tomorrow I'm not working. I'm just going to rest and enjoy the weekend.

Haven't been blogging

Just appealed to me, that I haven't been blogging.

Well, been really really busy lately. And all my quiet time for myself has either been consumed talking to Nicole or spending time with God. Hehe. Hence, I haven't been catching up on my reading and stuff. But I think it's all good somewhat.

It's quite disturbing yet strange. I feel as if I haven't really started nor ended my last semester and this semester. I'm working 20 hours, monday and wednesday full days, and tuesdays half day. Then classes monday nights and thursday mornings.

Aih, I feel like I could somewhat use a holiday. Like a long long holiday without doing anything, just refresh and get myself back on track as my life somewhat spins around. There is things need doing, but I haven't gotten to it. I have been loosing too much sleep and I dunno.. Hopefully I can get use to the regime of this semester asap. Week 2 is ending soon, with another 12 more to go, don't know how this semester's going to turn out. :P

I think it's the mornings waking up in the cold and dark days have had affect on my mental health. I'm happy but at the same time extra-melancholic. I don't want the day to ever end, especially when I talk endless nights with Nicole, but I hate waking up to the new morning at 7am to drag myself to work, and force myself to be nice to people just to get paid.

The money is good, no doubt, I thank God everyday for my job. I guess I'm just being a kid concerning my situation. God has already blessed me tremendously and will be blessing me many times over in the very near future. At the moment right now, I just have to be patient and wait on him to deliver me.

The fundamentalist delusion

I kinda like this article, written by Barney Zwartz, religious editor of the Age newspapers.

The Fundamentalist Delusion

I personally think the religion vs atheism debate is going out of hand. There should be a cry for moderation rather than arguing each other from fundamentalist points of views.

Good article.